Anxiety Series - Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is quickly becoming the most prevalent form of anxiety in our culture. In my work I have seen how this has been exacerbated by our recent lockdowns. The existentialists believed that isolation was a given of life. Because we are only truly known to ourselves, nobody else can know us, as we know our self, there will always be that feeling of isolation, which can lead to social anxiety.
Human interaction itself, is quite a complex and tricky business. I have counselled a number of autistic clients who have described to me, in great detail, the complexity and nuance of conversation – how the physical movement, accents, tone and pitch of the voice can alter the meaning of a word and a sentence. How people can laugh when something unfunny is said. They often detail the amount of assumptions that are made by non-autistic people, seemingly naturally, about conversation, which they have to learn or guess at. Part of its complexity is the knowledge that the other person has a mind just like you, and can think things different to, and other than, what they are saying. Talking to a computer or a pet does not bring social anxiety, it is easy as we can predict their response (or lack of). However, other humans can always judge us, lie to us, betray us, patronise us etc. So, the question isn’t, why are some people socially anxious? It should be, why aren’t we all socially anxious?
The humanist Carl Rogers had an excellent theory for this, that ties into the existentialist view. He described two selves of the person, the organismic self – who you truly are, and your self-concept – how others see you. Think of them as two circles.
The more these circles are separated, the more anxious we are. In other words, if we present ourselves to others, in a way that we do not feel we truly are – if we are being incongruous – then it will increase the feelings of isolation, of others not knowing who we are, and we will feel socially anxious and, often, depressed too. However, the more these circles overlap, the more others see as us we truly see ourselves, the more comfortable we become socially – we are not wearing any masks, or trying to be what we think others want us to be – we are simply being. They will never overlap completely, but the greater the overlap, the more comfortable we become.
Allowing others to see our true self, is almost synonymous with confidence and self-worth. So, to reduce social anxiety, isn’t to learn social skills, it is to improve your confidence. Very briefly, this can be done through engaging in hobbies you enjoy and setting goals for yourself to work towards. It is the process of working towards a goal, that brings us positive emotion and confidence. In addition to this, it is important to nurture your mental health by incorporating The Pillars of mental health detailed on my website.